It is not difficult to see that children growing up in a household develops personalities based around the family members. At an early age say 5-10, children have no references to base their opinion on and naturally they look to their parents or elders to satisfy their curious minds. What many parents fail to realize is that the part they play in those tender ages can have a profound psychological bearing on the upbringing of the child. We often hear of stories where troubled people going into their adulthood almost always blame how they came to be on their parents. You may have heard cases where the ‘mature’ adult has blamed his aggressive nature because his father used to beat him up badly. Or the case where the ‘mature’ woman finds it difficult to make important decisions since the mother always used to remind her of that.

Parenting requires understanding your own behavior

I put apostrophes around the word mature, because maturity would indicate knowing your shortcomings and trying to do something about it rather than blame another for the situation you are in. Many people go through life without ever realizing their shortcomings and this becomes even more important when it comes to raising children. We may feel that what we do or think should not have any bearing on the child, but it has a huge effect! Unless you pay attention to the small subtleties that children are picking up from the conversations and actions you have with them or your spouse, you may be sending mixed signals which will affect them for years to come. Your actions will be all important to the development of your child. I will give you another example of a careless approach that parents overlook on no fault of their own but the damaging effect it can have on their children.

Take the case of a young woman who wants to buy a house and to move out of the family protection to be more independant. Unfortunately, the parents have their own views on the cost of a home and upon finding out that their 28 year old daughter had gone and made an offer on an house that they feel to be too high, there is naturally tension between them. However, the odd thing is that the parents encouraged her to go and look for a house that she wants to buy. However, it pains them to think that their own daughter has paid too much on the house and she should relinquish it. The father then decides that he will take on the responsibility of finding a house for her daughter and so she agrees. You may be wondering, what is wrong with that? There are several problems with this..for a start the parents have given her freedom and then almost immediately took it away. This is why you are going to get children into adulthood who are insecure in their decision making. The whole idea of buying a house in the first place was the decision of the daughter. Secondly, the parents are dearly wanting the daughter to see her find her own happiness in being independent and eventually settling down to get married. The parents have always griped about how she can’t do this or do that and not able to stand up for herself. So now you can understand the damage that parents are unknowingly bringing to their children. These actions only creates a cyclical event within the family time and time again, in one hand you have parents who want their children to be independant but on the other they are incapable of making important decisions in their lives.

What the parents have failed to realize is that their actions came about on the factor of money and thereby giving more importance to that and taking away the important factor of independent thinking. Their daughter who obviously also with the same mindset like their parents does in fact agree and ends up also making a wrong decision herself and so the cycle repeats.

There is no single solution to parenting, but the most important thing to understand is when you say something, really mean it. Otherwise whatever you say will be empty in substance because you would be prepared to retract from it if something does not meet your expectations.

Tags: independence, parenting, practice preach

The world of today moves so fast that we often overlook or do not find the time to ponder over the relationships we have with everyone around us. It is true to say that over time we come to trust our closest members such as our spouse, children, friends etc. However, we often overlook the people that come and go who also play an important part in our lives. I am talking about the attorneys, realtors, contractors, car mechanics etc. They are essential to our everyday needs and as much as we hate using them, they are a necessity in our everyday lives. So what can we do to ensure there is trust amongst these groups of people since many have heard horror stories in their dealings with these groups of people or have experienced it yourselves.

Working with professionals requires some thinking

Attorneys, accountants, realtors and even doctors are in a niche that allows them to exercise power over the naive clients they interact with. It is a sad fact that some of these people who have this specialist knowledge can often abuse it with their clients. In my experience it’s a rarity that you find people good people who stand on moral grounds and this especially falls upon lawyers. It is odd that such an esteemed profession should also have the worst rap amongst the general populace. But we can almost always equate this to the money factor The underlying motivator for them is to make money at the minimum time possible and as quickly as possible. This would mean that they will go to lengths to achieve that which is basically say an outright lie without feeling any remorse. Many attorneys will initially be genuine and sincere about the rates and work they do but the general consensus is to see how much they can milk you once you come under their wing. You maybe wondering why someone like myself could have such distaste for this profession and my reply would be that I have had experience with not just one buy many lawyers.

Some of these attorneys are very well dressed and give an outwardly shiny personality to their clients. Unfortunately, it does not always translate to good work or a genuine empathy to your predicament and work. The truth of the matter is that many clients have become a bit smarter in the approach with attorneys and other groups of people. One can learn from those people who have worked with these difficult types of people in conducting a business and have come out as winners. The problem is that many attorneys shy away from those people and would rather go for the naive and innocent or ‘green’ type of people.

One can easily develop the skills required to work with these people but you just need to know how. We will show you in simple steps in Part 2 of this post on how to protect your own interests and produce an outcome that is more desirable to you when dealing with such people. It is basically an exercise in developing positive relationships.

Stay tuned!

Tags: dealing with attorneys, handling professionals, how to negotiate

Squabbles between couples are a good thing - image courtesy classic105.com

It is a well known fact that some of the gender differences are known to scientists and psychologists alike. One of these differences lies in how a man or a woman use their cognitive abilities that they are inherently born with and apply it to their daily lives. Women are considered more instinctual thinkers and think of details whereas men are more pragmatic in the way they reach their conclusions. So who is right and who is wrong. It would be a complete waste of time and energy to deduce one gender is greater in some respects than man. However, we cannot argue the fact that this is definitely a man’s world. ‘It would be nothing without a woman or a girl’, the lyrics of the famous artist and singer James Brown, ‘It’s a Man’s, Man’s Man’s World’.

To argue over the instinctual nature of women and the logical sense of men would be futile in exercise and like comparing apples and oranges. The right approach to these differences is to understand how these differences can work together to bring about something greater than by itself. The gnawing and thrashing of couple squabbles is in actual fact a good thing. This usually arrives from polarized views in their thinking ie. the instinctual versus the logic. What many people don’t realize that each time you arrive at an agreement from those squabbles there is a greater awareness and understanding of cooperation between couples. This should be a goal and known fact from the social interaction of couples. However, there is a BIG catch for this to work smoohtly and effectively. If one feels defeated and bitter over an argument, the couple’s relationship may take a path for the worse. What can possibly be good from one party having been defeated over their arguments by a decisive win by the other party. All couples should take note. It is a marriage of co-operation and both have to give and take without harboring ill feelings between each other.

Unfortunately, in the ideal world we are not made to act or react in such a way depending of course on the topic of arguments or discussion. Our opinions and arguments stem from the way we have been brought up and the way we shape our personalities from our internalized experiences. But the truth remains that we have some qualities and values that we can always aim for in order to make ourselves better than what we are. These traits have been passed through generation after generation and they can come in any shape or form ie. cultural, religious, spiritual, hardship etc. But there are common threads of human qualities that we put head and shoulders above the rest. These include sincerity, generosity, kindness, integrity amongst others. If we are true to those values than I will make a bold a statement that the world would be cured of 99% of the problems we see facing today.

So the lesson learned is that the next time you come out of an argument, make sure you have the empathy in check so that both individuals have gained something positive out of the argument.

Tags: couples, fights, insights, quarrelling

We have come of age in rendition of CGI (computer generated imagery) and it becomes apparent when you watch the Disney’s latest movie ‘The Jungle Book’ by director Jon Favreau and starring Neel Sethi, Bill Murray and Ben Kingsley as the leading voiceovers.
Released globally this year 2016.

The Jungle Book - 2016

I wouldn’t say it is completely animation, but the rendition of cgi characters are almost unreal to watch. It is one movie where the director has simply gone through every detail to prevent us from second guessing whether the image is animated or real. This to me is the most striking technical achievement of this movie and deserves to be in the ranks of Matrix, Avatar and other technical greats.

The movie is simply delightful to watch and you will not feel one second of boredom creep in as you journey through the fantastic world of the jungle with Mowgli. The characters are so wonderfully portrayed and blends beautifully with the whole story that you become part of the journey. The movements of the animals especially when Shere Khan plants himself on top of the meeting point for the wolves is just uncannily real. You can tell that animal movements as we see in real-life were exactly mimicked from every one of the senses known to man - sound, sight, movement, smell.. you name it, they thought of it.

I would recommend this movie to anyone of any age group. You will be immersed in another world for 2 hours and is a great watch for couples.

Tags: Disney, Family movie, The Jungle Book

Final notes on the subject ‘Change your reference point - change your world’. We are making a complete course material on this subject and soon to be released as a downloadable ebook. Watch this space!

Change your life - Change your reference point

We discussed how to handle the complex situations of using the method of ‘reference pointing’. The techniques are simple and anyone can use them, you just need to apply it on a routine basis. The benefits are significant compared to using other techniques which usually give the same repetitive message again and again.

Still, there are many folks who just don’t have the time to go to these lengths and for them, the path is also simple, you basically know your own reference points and change the world around you. You may do this very selfishly as many of the most successful people on earth. Take Trump as an example and he clearly typifies the arrogant and self-serving interest and followed this path.

Contrary to what most people think, the fact that ‘normal’ people would like to associate the departure characterized by these people who can be considered ‘abnormal’, should be an easy fix. This could not be far from the truth, it is the very wide departure in their thinking that constitutes the many negative ‘complexities’ of the mind that causes them to behave in such a way. Hence the fix is equally more hard and a uphill battle. You just have to see examples in your own life where the constant irrational behaviours that are so obvious are actually the hardest to fix.

A key factor in attempting to understand the differences in human behavior is not to ‘reference’ their behaviour with yours. You could say that this inevitable when you are living with someone or have to live your daily lives with such people. It’s an important concept to understand. The true psychologist comes across as very cold and for very good reasons. The do not ‘exert’ their opinions or views on the behavior they are trying to characterize otherwise it would be completely detrimental to the patient’s treatment. Their simple treatment is for the patient to dig deep and understand their own deficiencies or lack of understanding. It is only through this that they can better themselves. Now you can understand why the ‘reference point’ is so essential to self-improvement.

Along with ‘reference points’ comes another important concept called ‘detachment’.
So here is something important to consider. By exerting your thoughts and beliefs on others can only lead to disaster and the person most affected by this is the one who is trying to exert the thoughts and beliefs onto others. Think about it, you become frustrated by other people’s reactions and behavior and your brain attempts to bring some sensible conclusions towards this. For example, you end up cursing the others for being so and you wonder how they came to be like this. You derive negative thoughts that can try to explain the situation away by implanting personality disorders and there alike. When you find yourself in that situation, you will exercise what you have learnt by departing yourself from the events and folks. Say to yourself that they have reference points on their scales and that simply does not tally with yours. So what do you do first, you calm yourself down and remind yourself of the reference points that both of you are at.

Over time, you will see that others can look very favorably upon you and in fact listen to you with this kind of reaction. However, don’t get roped into discussions with them if you feel that their reference points are too much departed from yours. You need to make the decision whether you want to help those folks sincerely and genuinely which will take time and energy on your part. Or if you simply want to move forwards. Remember, that you should feel happy that you have triggered this kind of reactions in such individuals where others have failed over rational arguments. Remember, in one ear and out the other year which they have heard from many others. If they see a change and indifference behavioural pattern in you, then they are likely to change. It is surprising that I learned this technique long time ago, but it is hardly discussed by positive thinkers and almost always mentioned by the way. This is where you can see that reference point brings a whole bag of reasonings as to why you felt the way and did what you did. Now with this ammunition under your belt, you can now truly shape your life from your own perspective and not someone else’s.

We hope you enjoyed this six part series on practical methods and techniques where you can take your life back and make all those important changes. The techniques are not derived from ‘positive thoughts only’ but from a real perspective to understand where you are in life, in essence your own reference point.

Please add your comments below and let us know if the ebook would be of interest to you, so we can mail out a notification and link as soon as it is ready!

Warmest regards,
Jumpdates think-tank

Tags: change life, ebook, reference point, self-improvement